By Tim Smalarz
As a young Catholic, I always enjoyed attending weekly Mass. From the worship, ritual, pageantry, eucharist and music, it was all so beautiful. As I grew into a young adult and beyond, I began to sense a change. As I was struggling with my sexuality, I began to
realize that I may no longer be welcomed, based on what I was hearing from the pulpit. A sermon that referenced being enlightened as a bad thing, was a turning point, in my leaving the Catholic church. When I got into my car, I looked in the mirror, and I remember thinking, now what?
This began a very long and painful struggle reconciling my sexuality with my relationship with God. I fell into a cycle of not wanting anything to do with God. I was angry with him, for making me this way. My life was dark, full of isolation and fear of my own making. I remember, so many times, looking in the mirror, tears steaming down my face, wondering why I had this imperfect face and why I am gay? The desperation grew stronger, as the years passed and I thought to myself, what is the point in going on?
What kind of life was I going to have? I knew that if I took my own life, it would destroy my Mom, the person who I was most close to. Living this way was no longer sustainable.
I was able to find a therapist, and with many years of hard work, came to terms with accepting and loving myself as a gay man. She called me her work in progress and, more importantly, she probably saved my life. As I began to make connections and friendships in the gay community, I was introduced to Metropolitan Community Church of Detroit, a denomination primarily focused on the LGBTQ+ community. Because of this church, my connection to God was reestablished, and it instilled in me the belief that being gay and loving God is possible. This place also gave me my greatest gift in life, Jon Buyle, who would one day become my husband.
After many years of attending MCCD, and shortly after my Mom died, I decided that I needed to be in a church that was full of diversity, not just strictly all straight or all gay. Jon and I had driven by Christ Church Cranbrook, many times, and always wondered it was like inside. One Sunday, in July 2019, we attended our first service. We found the service to be quite familiar to a Catholic Mass, the denomination we were both raised in. After the service, during coffee hour, Father Chris Harris introduced himself to us, and we had a beautiful conversation and shared stories about our lives and church experiences. On our way home, Jon and I looked at each other and said, “what just happened here”? We had just found our new church home.
In the seven years I have attended Christ Church Cranbrook, I have experienced so much. From the roles that I serve during worship, to the committees that I work on, and to all the forums, workshops and studies that I have participated in, I have learned, I have grown, I have thrived. While the work I do within the walls of this church is important, more importantly, is the work outside of the walls of this church. Serving at Ferndale Pride, the Ruth Ellis Center, the Baldwin Center and Sanctum House, just to name a few. This is where I have seen Christ Church Cranbrook in action, and also where I have learned, grown and thrived from the people we serve. Serving with my fellow parishioners, many who have become good friends, and to those that we serve, that is where I Meet Jesus and Find Joy. For everything Christ Church Cranbrook has done for me, and more importantly, for everything it does to make a difference to those outside it walls, that is why I give generously. Being retired, beginning two years ago, has given me even more time to serve, which is something I believe, I am meant to do, to continue the essential work, that Christ Church Cranbrook is doing in the community.
A long time ago, I gave up on God, but he never gave up on me. Today, when I look in the mirror, I still see the imperfections, but now I realize that’s OK, because I know that I am a beloved child of God, exactly the way he intended me to be. God has given me many blessings, more than I ever expected, and I intend to continue to use them, to honor him, through the church I love, Christ Church Cranbrook, where all are welcome, no exceptions.